By a Contributor
The contributor is a retiree who has had many work experiences including teaching, counselling, training and tutoring. She has a bachelor’s degree in English, and a counselling qualification from Swinburne University. In her retirement she enjoys watching stimulating documentaries about politics, religion, history, the natural world, and any other documentary where she can learn more about the world around her. An avid reader, she reads books about psychology, history, political movements and children’s literature. In her spare time, she assists migrants and refugees with learning English.
Mental health and well-being is an area with a lot of research and practice. As time goes by, our understanding of what makes a healthy person increases. In my journey towards emotional well-being, I have had the additional challenge of four mental illnesses, each causing separate issues. However, through good therapy, and my own willingness to do what needed to be done, I have arrived in my retirement years a very happy person.
I think the notion of mastering emotions is one that cannot be achieved, as I believe you cannot master an emotion. What you can do is address the deep-seated issues that result in great unhappiness. Once you have addressed and worked through those deep-seated issues, you have a better chance of being an emotionally stable person.
Needs must be met, such as the need for love, acceptance, companionship, financial stability, a life full of meaning and achievable goals. If we are content, our emotions will cause us less problem than if we have important needs that are not being met.
Happiness, or contentment, is only achieved when our basic needs have been met, and, we therefore have an optimistic view of the world. At university I took a “contentedness survey”. Through taking the survey, I realised more fully areas of my life that needed improvement. Our lecturer said that someone scoring quite low would likely have big issues in their lives, such as drug abuse.
What I have learned since retirement is that time is a gift. I now have more time to give to the people I love. I believe that time is a gift, and a gift we should give freely to one another. I am never too busy to meet a friend for coffee, to phone a friend, to stay in touch in a meaningful and loving way. In fact I devote a couple of hours a day on building and sustaining my connections with others, as authentic connections are very important.
My latest thought on a happy life is one where you do what you want to do, you do what you really need to do, that you do not have to do things out of a sense of obligation, or to pay back some sort of emotional debt. I spend my days doing things which give me pleasure. Of course I have to wash dishes and clean out the cat’s litter tray – some things must be done.
But doing something because you think you should do something needs to be examined. Who is saying you should do this-something that you do? Where is the pressure coming from? Saying no, and drawing boundaries, is essential to our happiness.
To give to others makes me feel good, but I also need to receive and make sure my needs are met. Any sort of friendship needs to be reciprocal, healthy, and sustaining.
Although getting older has its disadvantages, in some respects I think I know myself better with each passing year. With age can come some wisdom.
My strongest influences in understanding how we behave are based on the teachings of Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud, Carl Rogers and Irvin Yalom amongst others. Carl Rogers is a particularly strong influence as he entered into compassionate therapy showing all clients unconditional positive regard. Although this can be difficult, it is a critical part of creating the therapeutic alliance.
I have enjoyed the counselling I have done, which was counselling in niche situations where I could be effective. Without a psychology degree there is a limit to what I have been able to do, but it is important to know one’s strengths and weaknesses, and work within one’s own limits. Knowing your limits and having a full understanding of where and how you are effective is extremely important.
People can make the mistake of attempting to work outside their areas of expertise, which can cause some damage doing this. When I am ill I go to a medical doctor, and she can send me to a specialist. When I am unhappy I see a trained counsellor. When our shower leaks, we call the plumber. When I am updating my will, I contact a solicitor. Each of those professionals understand what they can do, and what they cannot do.
One of my suggestions for a happy life is to find the niche where you have a lot of satisfaction as you know you are making the world a better place, even if it’s in small steps.
How do I come to these conclusions? Through many years of making mistakes, sometimes the same mistake again and again. I have had plenty of therapy, which has been central in maintaining my equilibrium as I live with my mental illnesses.
Christmas is upon us, but I don’t celebrate Christmas as I reject the commercialism, the hype, the pressure on us all to gather on one day of the year and tell each other how we care about each other. Christmas is actually a very difficult time of year for many people. What I do is celebrate the fact that I am alive and well every day of the year, and I take the time to let people know I care about them every single day.
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